mere language is profanity

2003-01-31T18:42:00.000-08:00

Fear. It is the emotion that has been most prevelent in my life this past while. Causing me to distrust myself, and all those around me. Until today I really couldn't grasp what exactly it is that I've been so scared of lately, but now I think I know. Responsibility. I just can't handle it, or even the thought of it. I've lived my life as irresponsibly as can be, and tried to enjoy myself doing it - but can see now that in my selfishness, I've done some terrible things to those around me. Some of them I've hurt, many I've let down, and most of them I've become dependant on - some financially, all emotionally. But then at other times I find that perhaps the biggest sense of all my toils is the fact that I'm trying to live a life that's not for me. That is the suburban, working 9-5, going to social gatherings, buying nicknacks and Ikea furnature lifestyle. Part of me wants (and tries) to live this lifestyle and stay happy, while the other part of me is constantly battling to live the "real life," without taboos, without doubt and uncertainty (is such a thing even possible at all), and above all without too many responsibilities. I long to be in a place where I'm debt free, living somewhere and just living. Doing what I want, when I want - much as I do now, but without the financial insecurity (so much so that it's currently in the negative). I can't even get my thoughts straight anymore - look at how badly this paragraph has wandered. My attention span has become so short, and I dwell on every word spoken and every action taken. My insecurities are at their pinnacle, and my paranoia peaking. What can one accomplish in life if they don't even trust themselves, let alone those around them. Why do I take everything personally, and why can't I treat people like they deserve to be treated. All those closest around me I cling to like security blankets, yet get mad when they cling to others, or do not want to see things my way. Why am I so slefish and irresponsible. Why can't I just be a good little drone and shut up? Shut up and live your life. Go to work, don't complain, get the job done, take your cheque, pay your bills and put the rest in savings. Treat yourself from time to time, but don't be a selfish glutton. How can I just go to work and not hate it, when I see all the injustices that the corperate world hurl our way. Why should I enjoy going to a job that they expect me to do an incredible workload for the minimum possible amount that they can get away with paying me - all while they make millions and billions in profits, that just sit in their banks and do nothing, or buy them stupid $100,000 cars? I'm trying to live a middle class life, all the while I want to bring the entire class system down? How does this contradiction work? I am a hypocrite to the Nth degree. Twice now I've thought myself to be in love, only to have my paranoia and insecurities lash out and tell me I'm not. Only to hurt the ones I claimed to (and did) love in the first place, and make them feel bad. Then I get upset when they hate me, telling myself that they are being unreasonable - but I deserve it. Or do I? Bi-polar for sure. Sometimes it should be their fault shouldn't it? Not looking out for my wants and needs, while I try to do everything for theirs. ME ME ME it's all about me. But then it's not. It depends on the moment I guess, because I am truely a walking contradiction. If only my brain wasn't so scattered, and my recall not so attrocious. Am I mad with genius or am I just plan sociologically disordered. I can comprehend many things that I'm told, but cannot hold onto that comprehension for very long, if at all, after I've been told. What does that say? Is this normal? Is this safe? Am I healthy or unhealthy. How is it that I can live a life truely happy? Must it be one of complete solitude? Or do I have to find people like me? Is there people like me? I can relate to pretty much anything anyone says because I've tried to put myself in a position to be able to. So as a result everyone can relate to what I say? But what about that which I don't say? Or that which I leave unsaid only to that individual? What would they have to say if they knew the whole truth? Can they know the whole truth. Is it even possible for a single indivudule to fully comprehend themselves. If it's not, then how will it ever be possible for someone else to? And I have another 60+ years of this? Will the answers ever come. I seem to have the answers, quite often, for other people, but never can I answer myself. And my lack of will power is alarming in that whenever I realize my faults I can't focus long enough to correct them. What's wrong with me, why am I so unbalanced. Should I medicate myself? Or is that just giving in? Where are the answers to any or all of these. Why is human communication such that people keep this uncertainties and insecurites to themselves and let it stew. Have I let it stew for too long? Am I at my breaking point? Will I see the future, or will the present break me? Only time will tell.

2002-11-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

"We visit others as a matter of social obligation. How
long has it been since we have visited with ourselves?"
-- Morris Adler

Hi,

You may think you know me. But how can you? I don't
even know myself. I know my faults, yet am unable, or
unwilling, to correct them. I'm a jaded cynic who
longs to be an optimist. I have the wisdom of a ninety
year old coupled with the attention span of a five year
old. I trust nearly everyone with information and
material posessions, yet trust almost no one with my
emotions. I want a loving cohabitating relationship
and financial stability, but am absolutely terrified by
the level of calculation needed for either. Like a
chameleon changes colours, I am able to transform from
the most outgoing person in a room, to the shyest in
the same room in blink of an eye. I eagerly await the
future, yet unhealthily dwell on the past. I want, and
try, to live for the now; but, coupled with my
preceeding point, find a state of paradox. My desire
to achieve ultimate open-mindedness has led to an
excruciating lack of focus - for fear of losing the
ability to look at things from all angles. I've
forgotten nearly everything I've ever learned in
school, yet remember the most inane and asinine of
facts. I am a writer without a story. A singer
without a voice. An actor with neither script nor
stage. I have placed such priority on the lives of my
friends, that I think I have lost myself. Have I
played the village idiot for so long that I have become
him? Yeah, you may think you know me. But how can
you? I don't even know myself.

Shayne Aeichele
11.8.02

2002-10-27T23:24:00.000-08:00

GO SEE BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE ASAP!

2002-10-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

The past couple weeks have been full of many good times, with some shitty moments of introspection on my part. I really have to quit doing that. I can go from having the best night ever, to having the shittiest time of my life in a mere heartbeat, and that is not healthy.

I'm finally working again. Yay! At a toy store. That kicks some major ass. My first week was great, learned a fair bit and it's neat having essentially a hybrid retail/warehouse job. Should prevent me from getting bored anytime soon. And I have kickass co-workers. A couple of the guys in my department love to play six degrees of seperation, so that's been a lot of fun. Always trying to stump each other.

I wrote a song the other day, that I am really proud of. There's no music, just lyrics, but I'm hoping to have someone write some music for it. I was listening to nothing but Bad Religion for two weeks and that has a heavy influence on the song. So far everyone I've passed it around to has given positive feedback, so that's been cool. Maybe I'll post it on here sometime.

Went to a couple hockey games last week. The Giants game was awesome! Scrappy and we spanked the opposing team (Seattle). Joel and I rushed to Hume Park immediately after to play street hockey. What a great workout that's proving to be every week. Then on Wednesday, Joel took me to a Canucks game. It was a really fun night, but a rather shitty hockey game. I still had a blast hangin' with Joel, Jess & Terra though.

Very seldom in my life do I set goals and the like for myself, but right now my two main goals are: moving out with Eric in February, and getting some serious writing done. I've already done character sketches for two of the principle characters, so that's a good start. At this rate maybe I can start the principle story by the new year...hopefully I'll get my shit together and start sooner.

current mood: mleh. it's too early to decide.
current music: T. Raumschmiere - Erloesung Durch Strom

2002-09-29T01:54:00.000-07:00

Had a great dinner at Mom's this evening. Eric & Katie came with me, and it was a lot of fun. A most excellent pre-Thanksgiving turkey dinner, followed by the lot of us watching Showtime, which was by no means a great movie, but was incredibly enjoyable. I love William Shatner! And Eddie Murphy & Robert DeNiro are pretty damn cool as well.

After dinner we headed for Joel's and met up with everyone and watched Crimson Tide, which I'd not seen from high school. It was cool to see everyone, and the movie was enjoyable. Other than that I didn't do too much today.

current mood: good
current music: George Carlin - 40 Years In Comedy (not music, I know...but whatever)

2002-09-28T04:53:00.000-07:00

Cremona.

That was what made my night excellent tonight.

Actually, everything came together to make for a near perfect night, but Cremona was the showcase of the evening. My old boss from the record store threw an event at Ms. T's tonight, featuring himself and two other DJs, and the band Cremona. For two years I've heard stories of their rehearsals, so it was nice to finally get a chance to see them, and man were they great. Can't wait to see them again. It was also great to see so many people that I hadn't seen in a year or more. Eric & Katie both had a good time too, and Fred enjoyed himself, although he showed up very late in the evening.

Apparently I missed a call for a job interview today, but it looks like I may be able to squeeze one in tomorrow, before dinner at mom's. Hopefully.

current mood: great!
current music: Kenny Rodgers & First Edition - I Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)

2002-09-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

Talked to Scott more today than I have in quite some time. Between work, school, and the new path he's been taking his life on, differing from my own (yet strangely similar in many aspects), I don't see all that much of him anymore, and when I do, it's generally hockey and D&D time, so there's not all that much talking. But while that can suck at times, I know that it doesn't matter, and he will always be there for me, and I for him. While we were talking, he sent me some of his homework. An essay that he'd written. His writing had generally been pretty good, in my opinion. Now, however, it is really good. At least this particular piece was, anyhow. I don't know what, if anything, he plans to do with his writing, but he definately has some options, I think.

Watched Beverly Hills Cop with Eric & Katie last night. Eddie Murphy is one of the funniest men that ever lived. He is absolutely amazing. Eric & I were also forced to wonder how it is possible for anyone not to love Judge Reinhold, as he too is amazingly funny. Things have been a little odd at Katie's house as of late, with Tommy being gone, and the Italian exchange student staying there, emotions have been going a little crazy. Either that, or there's something in the water. Who knows.

We also did a lot of work on the scavenger hunt we're planning, Eric & I. Just travelling to and from Surrey to visit Marty, we came up with eight pages worth of items to choose from. The plan at this point is to just keep adding items to the list, and not choosing the final list until the day of the event. We could then keep the remainder of the list on file, and keep adding to it for next year - provided we get the turnout to warrent doing it again next year. I really hope we do get that turnout. It's been a lot of fun planning this, and I'd really like to do it again. I also can't wait to plan next summer's bush party. I've determined that I absolutely love organizing events, so here's hoping I get into a position that I can do it more often.

current mood: happy
current music: Neophyte - Braincracking

2002-09-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

Been awhile since I updated. Oh well. The past few days have been pretty crazy. I've made decisions and mistakes that I'm still feeling the reprecussions of. It all seems to be for the best though, now that things have been sorted out. I guess I still have aways to go before I'm settled into a pattern that my restlessness can tolorate. Now if only I could get a fucking job, things would be great.

I've spent a LOT of time with Eric, Katie & Joel in the past few days, which has been really good. I've always placed the utmost importance in friendship, and it's nice to be able to spend so much time with close friends. Nothing is too mundane or boring when we're together. I like that.

Went and saw SunnyD spin on Saturday night out in North Van. That was a lot of fun. Great tunes by all the DJs, and a great location for a party. The crowd could have been bigger, but it was fun nonetheless. That is perhaps the most noteworthy event to happen in the last few days. Otherwise we've been watching lots of movies, and doing the usual hockey and D&D thing on Mondays. The hockey is way too much fun. Basically we have 2 or 3 people you could almost call hockey players, and the rest of us are just a bunch of flailing maniacs with big fucking sticks. I'm surprised there haven't been any major injuries yet, although Shaun got himself pretty good when the blade of my stick (he broke his, so I tossed him mine) caught in the chain link fence, and he speared himself pretty harsh while the blade of the stick snapped off. Funny to watch, but I can't imagine it having been to comfortable for him.

Spent most of today working on details and flyers for an event that will hopefully be happening next month. More on that later.

current mood: happy
current music: none (but wishing I could secure Ani Difranco tickets, and Tori Amos tickets)

2002-09-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get affraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog beggin' for LOVE
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the brid

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough GUILT to start
My own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Please be
Save me
I CRY

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Where are those angels
When you need them

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Why do we change
Crucify ourselves
Everyday

Never going back again
Crucify myself again
You know
Never going back again to
Crucify myself
Everyday

-Tori Amos

I'm falling in love with this song more and more everyday. Somebody by me tickets to her December 9 concert at the QE!!!! Anybody! I will love you forever!

current mood: bored
current music: Holly McNarland - Water

2002-09-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

The last couple days have been great. I finally got to meet Katie's friend Linda, as well as her sister and father. That was a lot of fun. Her father is an author who used to teach, and has the most amazing collection of books I've seen in quite some time. And I didn't even get a chance to go through the biography shelves downstairs - Yikes. Helen and I built the greek salad that the five of us had for dinner, and did a damn fine job of it, if I do say so myself (and I do). After dinner we got ahold of Eric to watch a movie or two, and ended up actually having an entire housefull of people. Of course, it was stupid of me to not get home until shortly after five and then have to be at Joel's at eight this morning. Oh well. So I went and applied at Toys 'R' Us today...that'd be an iteresting job for sure. Hope I hear back from them. Then instead of coming home and sleeping, as originally planned, I decided I couldnt' wait any longer for my Saul Williams book, so I ended up going out to my mom's to get it. While I was there, I found out that she's helped my debt big time, by actually paying off one of my bills. That was really cool. Looks like tonights gonna be another fullhouse hangin' out night. It's nice that everyone's seeing a lot of each other, because things will definately start getting hectic once school really gets going, and Christmas (yuck!) gets closer. Hopefully we'll keep up with the hockey when the weather starts getting worse. We started playing street hockey on Monday. Still a little stiff from that, but goddamn was it fun. I think for Joel and I especially, but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. We definately have a lot of fun for a group of goofs that aren't that good. Can't wait until next week.

current mood: happy
current music: DJ Cloudskipper - Smells Like Updogg

2002-09-16T00:59:00.000-07:00

Didn't really do a whole lot today. Went to my mom's and that was about it. I thought my grandparents were going to be there today, but it turns out they're not getting in until tomorrow. I was hoping to get my Saul Williams book from them, but I guess it'll have to wait until later in the week now. Not a huge deal - I've waited this long (The backstory to this, is that I ordered the book from Chapters while living in Alberta, and it hadn't come in yet when I checked for it the day before I moved back to Vancouver. The next day, 10 minutes before we were to leave for the bus depot in Calgary, Chapters phoned to say the book was in - DOH!). Ended up watching Ocean's Eleven with the folks. That was fun. They both enjoyed it, as I figured they would. Did a few crossword puzzles on the way home. It almost hurts to think, I've avoided it for so long.

current mood: indifferent
current music: LTJ Bukem - The Ladder

2002-09-15T03:29:00.000-07:00

Weekends rule. This one has been especially good so far. It's basically been a lot of hanging out with Eric and Katie, which has been fun. And they were cool enough to take me to Bliss's party and hang out for awhile. I was really glad I was able to make it for a bit to see GI Jody spin. I wish I coulda stayed for the whole thing, but oh well. Read a fair bit more of "Up From Slavery" today. It's really quite fascinating - a very different look at things. Or at least one that I've not seen.

current mood: content (stoned)
current music: Tilzs - Worm Sign

2002-09-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well, today has been one of those fun days that brings one crashing back down to reality. Quite some time ago I made a decision I shouldn't have made, and it all came back to me today - leaving me further in debt than I've ever been before (and believe me, I was already doing pretty poorly). So basically it looks like I'll have pretty much no money for the next 6 months or so. Yay! At least I've still got my friends though. And that's the most important thing. Although sometimes I wonder how long they're going to put up with me and my seemingly ever-increasing problems. Now moreso than ever I have to figure out just what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. Living life day to day and not giving a shit about the consequences has gotten me to where I am, and can seemingly only dig me deeper and deeper into a hole if I keep it up. I don't, however, want to give off the impression that I regret doing what I did. Did I make mistakes? Fuck yeah I did! But I don't regret it. Both good and bad, I've gotten a hell of a ot more life experience because of it. Now all I need to do is figure out how to channel that experience, and use it to benefit myself, and hopefully others. I have always been more of a learn through experience kind of guy, and sometimes that works...but others it doesn't. When looking through the job listings today it bothered me to see just how many jobs I'm qualified for through the experiences I've gained throughout my life - however because I don't have certain "certifications" and a certain level of (at times unnecessary) education, I am not qualified for said job. Quite an eye-opener really. Now I need to buck up, work hard and somehow find the time and money to get some sort of education or certification so I can hopefully find some sort of career that I can have a future with. So for those of you that care, wish me luck please - 'cause I'm sure as fuck going to need it.

current mood: anxious
current music: Tilzs - Live @ Solar Storm (Montreal) 7.6.02